Damn Safety!
by Random-otaku
Summary: Originally just a one chapter story but ideas kept appearing. All you need to know is that Turks are menaces to the core, due to language, the ratings may go up
1. Damn Safety

**Damn Safety!**

Summary: Dunno where this came from but Reno and Elena get into another spat and find out why _not _to have arguments in a jeep.

Disclaimer: I don't own…at least I don't think I'm an owner of the Turks

Reno was grousing, Elena was seething, as for Rude and Tseng, well they were trying and failing by a long shot to hold their laughter in. They were in the jeep, driving back to Midgar after a mission, Tseng and Rude in the front seats, Elena and Reno in the back…sitting as far away as possible from each other.

Inevitably an argument broke out between the two Turks, over something completely stupid mind you, but then again that was usual.

"Reno, in the name of the lifestream would you SHUT UP ALREADY!" Elena yelled loudly at the red head.

"Make me brat," Reno replied calmly back.

"HOW ABOUT I RIP OUT YOUR VOCAL CORDS OUT THROUGH YOUR ASS AND FEED YOU THEM YOU ASSHOLE!"

"Oh yes you would _love_ to touch my ass now wouldn't you?" Reno quipped back.

Elena was shaking with anger, wanting to massacre that bane of her existence that was called Reno. Anger got the better of her and she threw herself to strangle the second-in-command.

The smirk that he held dropped off his face suddenly, bringing his arms up to protect his face he waited for the oncoming blows. Well…they didn't come.

While in mid-pounce the safety feature on the seatbelts kicked in and stopped her from committing that _oh so desired _homicide. Her fingers just an inch or two of Reno's throat. The expression on her face was priceless though, pure shock, disbelief and outrage.

"DAMN IT!" she shouted still pushing herself forward, trying to make the seatbelt move and let her throttle the red-head.

The red-head looked up in shock, it took him a couple seconds to realise what happened, then his maniacal cackle began.

Elena sunk back into her seat in defeat (AN: hey that rhymes) and glared at Reno wishing his demise. Falling back into thought again she swore in her mind, _DAMN THOSE SAFETY FEATURES!_


	2. Noises

**Chapter two **

**'Noises' **

AN: just before I begin, please don't flame me for this chapter, all flames will go to light my BBQ as the summer is here , even I don't have a clue where this idea came from, now that that's over with now I can continue with the fanfic. This is another chapter which I thought up today, the original wasn't that good so I replaced it with this. Enjoy.

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Tseng walked towards the VPs office hurriedly, he was late for his shift change for the bodyguard duty, damning himself for volunteering himself for this, and to make things worse the only other Turk on this assignment was…honestly guess who…Reno.

Stopping at the door panting, going to knock, however on hearing something he paused, his hand only an inch away from the door.

_"Dear holy, right there Reno," _the VP's voice groaned from the other side of the door.

Tseng froze, before rubbing his ears roughly, wondering (_and hoping_) that he'd heard wrong.

_"My god you're so tense,"_ Reno said quietly, causing the Wutaiian Turks face to gain a tinge of green, but however he listened on.

_"Don't stop, no right there oh dear holy that's so good," _Rufus moaned loudly, adding a blush to cover the green tinge on Tseng's face, there were too many mental images for one day.

_"Y'know maybe the dot man could take over…hey it's his shift now, where the hell is he?" _Reno said, the sound of footsteps could be heard.The Wutaiian Turk's stomach lurched violently and he ran for it._ 'This is sick' _was about the most coherent thought he managed as he began praying to the porcelain god.

Reno opened the office doors and peered out impatiently, the Turk boss was sure taking his sweet time for the shift change. The VP stretched and looked out the door as well.

"Damn Reno, I think you could replace my chiropractor, you've done wonders with my back," he said moving back to sit in his office/computer chair thingy. Reno looked at the VP with a smirk.

"Can I get your chiropractor's pay?" he asked grinning widely.

"No Reno," he said smirking.

Meanwhile… Tseng had puked his guts out, if only he knew the truth. (Authoress begins maniacal laugh.)

AN: so what'd you think, please review and if possible give me some advice and ideas for later chapters, btw I beg you, the readers, not to scorch me with your flame throwers, I'm a young, inexperienced authoress have mercy. I an such a tease aren't I.


	3. Jail

**Chapter three**

**Jail**

Disclaimer: me no own

Tseng twitched when he got the phone call, he twitched when he went into the police station and again when he entered the holding cell where they were. Take a guess who was there.

"This is _your _fault we're here!" Elena yelled into Reno's face angrily, no actually anger wouldn't even cover it, try pure outrage, she was ready to rip out his throat to say the least.

"How is this _my _fault brat, if I'm not mistaken it was _you _who threw _my_ Turk I.D. _and _my _wallet_ out the window!" he shouted back bringing himself to his full height.

"_You _if _I'm _not mistaken did _this_ to _me_!" she yelled pointing to her slightly singed hair, still not noticing that her boss was there.

"_Well _I wouldn't have done that if you shut up and let _me _deal with the cop!"

"Why you little…!" she said hysterically, her fists twitching.

Tseng twitched and turned to the holding cell officer.

"Let me guess, they were arrested because the redhead threatened the officer and the blonde was ready to kill him mercilessly and he was trying to stop them both committing homicide?" he said in a bored yet annoyed tone.

"Yup that was about it, so what about these two?" the holding officer asked.

"BOSS!" both yelled moving to the bars at record speed, finally noticing that he was there.

"I say we leave them there the office will be more peaceful without them," the wutaiian Turk said going for the door.

"Please boss, dot-man don't leave me with this brat, I'm begging ya," Reno whined making Tseng twitch again.

"C'mon sir have some mercy, his idiotitus might rub off, please," Elena begged.

"One night is _nothing_ compared to what I would do if I were annoyed further now be quiet." Tseng hissed and left the two Turks with awestruck expressions. Both looked at each other in panic.

"BOSS ANYTHING BUT THIS!"

AN: hoped you enjoyed and if you can please review and ideas for later chapters, I would really appreciate it.


	4. Double Negativing

**Chapter four**

**Double Negativing**

Disclaimer: I own nada, it's depressing but it's the truth

Reno looked at the mission on his desk; _Tseng must've dropped in earlier, wonder why he's avoiding me? _Reno though as he opened the folder. A read-over couldn't hurt before discussion with his superior…right?

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An almost inhuman howl rang out through the Turk floor making Elena almost jump out of her skin and Rude to drop his coffee. Tseng was in his office, he was the _calmest_ about the situation, he just fell off his chair in an undignified heap…yup _calm_.

"BOSSSSSS!" came Reno's voice, it was getting closer and closer until BAM! the door was kicked in. Tseng scrambled up and still managed to look as if he had some dignity left.

"Yes Reno, I take it you read the file?" Tseng said looking the pissed of red-head up and down, figuring that he'd sprinted the whole way from his office to there, "and would you please shut the door?"

"I am not going through with this mission Tseng, there is absolutely no way in hell I am cross-dressing, in a bar no less, why can't Elena do this?" Reno hissed quietly crushing the folder in his white-knuckled hand.

"One, Reno _I _decide who goes on what mission, second, right now I am ready to cut your pay cheque if you don't don this and third Elena is about o leave for another mission and I honestly wouldn't like to see Rude or myself in this mission and that just leaves _you_," Tseng said after slamming his hands down on the desk.

"But-," Reno started.

"No buts Reno," he cut in sitting down at his desk again.

"C'mo-," he tried again.

"The answer is no and you are getting closer to the paycheque reduction."

"Sir there is no way that I'm doing this mission, forced or otherwise."

Tseng smirked and drew a piece of paper out of his printer and wrote something on it.

It read: _I Reno fully disagree with mission 107-R4E-57U and accept that I refuse to not complete this mission._

Tseng turned it and let Reno read it.

"Yup this seems about right…got a pen?" he asked and Tseng handed him a pen where he signed his signature which covered about half the page, (AN: What? He likes to be extravagant.) and smirked at his boss.

"Thanks dot-man you won't regret this," he said grinning his Cheshire cat grin.

"I know I won't…" he said as Reno left the room, "…but you might."

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Reno came into the office the next morning feeling great, no not just great, brilliant, after speaking to Tseng everything had gone well for the rest of the day. He even nearly skipped into his office with glee if he hadn't caught himself on.

He leapt over the back of his chair and landed perfectly, _today was going to be good_ he thought, oh how wrong he was.

Rude walked in slowly, looking at Reno, then doing a double take at him and the clock.

"You know Tseng's really glad you accepted the mission Reno, it's made things a lot easier," Rude said.

"What mission?" It was Reno's turn to do a double take.

"The one that Tseng left on your desk…" O.o (Reno's expression) "…the one you signed the contact for…" O.o (Reno's expression) "…_this_ contract?" Rude asked nervously noting the expressions that Reno was using.

The red-head snatched the contract from Rude and read it over word for word, he cringed suddenly and slapped his head.

"THAT LYING CHEATING BASTARD TRICKED ME!" Reno yelled loudly.

AN: hi hi sari naeo here! Hoped you enjoyed and if you can please review. Thankies!


	5. The Notebook

**Chapter five**

**The Notebook**

Disclaimer: Look if I owned final fantasy 7's characters I wouldn't be writing a **fan**fiction, now would I?

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When Tseng gets annoyed he has a little black Notepad, he writes everything that pisses him off in this Notepad, about everyone who has ever irritated him, here's an insight into the fascinating black book.

_Note to self: push Reno off a cliff at next opportunity, paintballs hurt._

_Note to self: feed Hojo to one of his own monsters…yes it was an accident, bodyguard duty was a nightmare._

_Note to self: put Reno and Elena in a sound proof room to let them fight put their differences, how did I end up with a black eye in one of their fights?_

_Note to self: buy a hideous, hand knitted, green jumper, make Rufus wear it, he made me search the whole building for his shotgun, it was in his pocket for frig sake._

_Note to self: ask Heidegger when the last time he took a bath, I almost got poisoned whenever I got the same elevator as him. _

_Note to self: send my Turks to group therapy, trust me they need it._

_Note to self: order Reno to pay his tab, my favourite bar won't let us in anymore._

_Note to self: get Scarlet drunk and push her off the balcony, another tragic loss for Shinra, suicide who_ wudda thunk it?

_Note to self: if I ever get hold of a time machine go back to Reno's first day and shoot him._

_Note to self: if I ever get hold of a time machine, let Sephiroth kill me, I need to be put over my misery._

_Note to self: go sign myself up for a stress coping course; those last two entries are beginning to scare me._

_Note to self: buy a whole herd of Chocobos and send them after Hojo after stashing a Chocobo lure materia in his lab coat, that last bodyguard shift was worse than when Sephiroth was around._

_Note to self: call in sick tomorrow, Rufus made me search the building again, this time for his wallet…I'll just let Reno deal with the brat._

_Note to self: make Reno wear his uniform properly, threaten him with last years new-years photos, I still have that migraine._

_Note to self: I really have to stop writing in this notebook. _

AN: hope you enjoyed this, I know it's random, but can you please review and if you can any ideas for later chapters, thankies.


	6. Noises part 2

**Chapter six**

**Noises part two**

Disclaimer: as said in previous chapters I own zilch, zip all, nada and nothing at all…I'm just gonna go into a corner and cry now.

AN: please I beg of you don't flame…please don't flame me. And just so ya know this isn't the end…there _is_ more.

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"Calm down Tseng, it was probably just your imagination, deep breaths," Tseng muttered to himself, rubbing his temples and trying to rid himself of the images in his head. They kept coming back to haunt him.

"Sir, are you feeling ok, you've been talking to yourself for a while now," a voice said from behind him, Tseng stiffened up and turned around slowly, he never even heard anyone coming up behind him, he was well out of it.

"Hello Elena, sorry there's been a lot on my mind lately, is there anything I can help you with?" Tseng asked in a vain attempt to get rid of her and back to his musings.

"Sir, the last time you were like this was when Reno-," she began but stopped when Tseng winced slightly, almost unnoticeably, at Reno. "Sir, what happened!" she demanded in a sharp tone.

"Wha-why ever would you say anything was wrong?" Tseng stuttered, taking an involuntary step back…into a wall.

"Spill now!" she said poking him in the chest, hard, an effective means of torture, poke, poke, poke, then surrender, trust me it works.

"Uhmmm, well…about that…I was…well…kinda late for my shift change in bodyguard duty and…well…I kinda heard a conversation…," Tseng by this stage abandoned all dignity and went bright crimson, eyes to the floor and looking as if he was near a mental meltdown.

"Yes?" Elena asked motioning for him to continue.

"They…were…Holy I can't…too scarred for life," he said and tried to get away.

"Now I'm curious, you're not getting out of it now, spill," she said with another poke to the chest.

"They…well…I don't know how to put this…" he trailed off.

"SPILL DAMMIT!"

"They were having sex, are you happy now?" Tseng bit out then groaned more mental images.

Whatever she was going to say was instantly forgotten with that remark.

"What, as in Reno and Rufus, you're kidding right?" she asked gaping at the Wutaiian Turk.

"I wish I was…" he muttered, "now if you would excuse me I have paperwork to fill in and get sent off."

Tseng side-stepped the blonde and went to go to his office, just then Rude walked around the corner.

"So who had sex, sorry but it was hard not to overhear," he said taking off his sun-glasses to clean them. Tseng slapped his head and pushed past the bald Turk. Well attempted to anyway.

"Reno and our dearest VP, I always knew he was gay," Elena answered folding her arms with a smirk.

"Look I don't know what you two heard but I've been with Reno long enough to know he's _not_ gay," Rude said calmly, sure Reno may act like an eejit at times but that was just him.

Tseng and Elena gaped at the bald Turk, that was an unexpected piece of information. Rude went red.

"AS A PARTNER…A _WORK_ PARTNER!" he quickly corrected, Elena looked at him sceptically, giving him a suspicious _uh-huh_ as a reply, clearly not believing him.

"Look if you don't believe me I'll put up a hundred gil that he isn't gay _and_ I'll pay for the drinks this weekend," Rude reasoned, digging out his wallet and pulling out the money, "you in?"

Tseng answered for him and Elena.

"I know what I heard, we're in," he said pulling out the money as well.

"I hope you have enough in your paycheque for this," Elena smirked pulling out a hundred gil herself, now things would get interesting.

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AN: sorry to end this on a cliffy but it wouldn't fit any other way, don't worry as said more will come soon.


	7. Comfort Food

**Chapter seven**

**Comfort food**

Disclaimer: me no own…simple isn't it?

AN: got this idea from one of my estranged cousins, everyone has them, at least I hope everyone does, no family is complete without them. If Tseng happened to be real, I wouldn't be sitting here typing, I would be running for my life by now.

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Tseng had a migraine, nope that would be a severe understatement, his head felt as if an A-Bomb had just detonated next to him and death being mean decided to let him live with nothing but a headache. Yup that'd be about right. And just to make things _peachy, _guess who was there to keep him company, you guessed it.

"Reno, I'm asking you nicely now, would you please for the love holy _please, please_ shut up, I have a banging headache and I don't need you to make it any worse," he virtually pleaded, his head cradled in his hands, "damn it, I need some comfort food."

"Comfort food? You pregnant or something?" Reno remarked with a smirk. Tseng sent him a withering glare before replacing his head in his hands.

"Omigawd, you're pregnant!" Reno exclaimed loudly, standing up and pointing a finger at his boss. The noise in which case brought attention to Tseng's office.

"Who's pregnant?" Elena asked arriving into the office unannounced.

"Tseng have you had any run-ins with Hojo," another withering glare, "omigawd, you really _are _pregnant!"

" WTF?" Elena said bemusedly looking between the living idiot and Tseng.

Tseng lifted his head from his hands and stood up, his right eye twitched, once, twice, his hand sliding into his jacket. Reno froze, thinking his boss had officially lost it. The wutaiian Turk sighed heavily and pulled out his gun.

"Reno I will give you three seconds to get out that door or else I will shoot you here and now, got that?" Tseng hissed lowly at the red-head, at one he was out like a flash.

"Sir?" Elena asked nervously as her boss replaced the fire-arm into its holster.

"Elena would you be able to get me some pain killers…"she went to leave, "…and one more thing, could I ask you to grab me a burger and chips from the president's kitchen, preferably the most greasy things you can find, I need some comfort food."

AN: I know its strange but do you see that button, yes on the bottom left, click it, c'mon, you know ya want to, and also if possible, would you be able to email me for any ideas you would like to tell me, thankies.


	8. Pain in my Ass

**Chapter Eight**

**Pain in my Ass**

Disclaimer: I write this in all of my fanfiction titles, if share don't get it now then they _never _will, I don't own final fantasy 7!

AN: sorry that it's been so long since I last updated, coursework, homework, school, lack of sleep…dying slowly with _all _ of this piled on to me, **but** do not fear I shall try to update even if it kills me, not really kills me but you know what I mean right? No? Ok then I'll just shut up and write the story.

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Now I would have to say that to many, _most_ in fact, that Reno is a pain in the ass, it was and probably will always be in his nature. However that didn't exactly stop Tseng from getting his own back, for right now, Reno was up in Nibelham in the middle of a snowstorm, how he got there…well just read on to find out.

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Tseng had a headache, for lack of a better word, his head felt as if someone had got a cleaver and well…cleaved? Take a guess who was the instigator of this mess, yup _him. _Reno's whining was well known throughout the building for its grating quality that left you craving a couple of painkillers…he had annoyed Tseng for _two hours._

Then the idea struck him, wincing he slowed down his thought processes, thinking hurt, it was genius, he was a genius, why had he never thought of this before! He lifted the phone and called Reno's office, within 30 seconds he was there.

"Reno I would like you to run a personal errand for me, you see, I need certain medication for my migraines and my immune system and the only place they are produced is Nibelham." Tseng said with his poker face on.

"No offence boss but tonight's my night off and that's reserved for boozing," Reno countered, no way in hell he was giving up his night off.

Tseng winced suddenly, his hand clutching his forehead, his face at the same time barely concealing a grin.

"Yo dot-man, you alright?" the redhead asked in concern.

"Yeah, I'll be fine, the pain dies down after a few hours," he said grimacing.

"Damn it conscience! I hope you're happy, fine I'll go get your damn medication, what's it called?" he sighed stuffing his hands into his pockets. Tseng scribbled something down on a piece of paper and handed it to the red-head…and almost burst a lung from holding in his laughter. Reno snatched the piece of paper and stalked out of the office, well if he got back soon he might make last rounds.

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6 hours later…

Reno stood at a phonebox, clutching said phone for dear life, he was going to murder Tseng when he got back.

"_Hello?" _Tseng's voice came from the other end of the line.

"Tseng…I have a bone to pick with you…" Tseng chucking is heard, "you sent me to look for acetylsalicylic acid for your migraines and ascorbic acid for your immune system, is that correct?" Reno managed to bite out without smashing the phone to pieces.

"_Yes that was right by the way how's the weather up there?" _his amused voice said.

"YOU SENT ME TO NIBELHAM FOR ASPIRIN AND VITAMIN C SUPPLIMENT…YOU SET THIS UP, ITS FREEZING UP HERE AND THE FUCKING SNOW ISN'T SUPPOSED TO STOP UNTIL TOMMORROW!" Reno yelled down the phoneline.

"_Reno let me tell you something, the pain in my head is still here but the pain in my ass is in Nibelham and stuck in a blizzard, so now if you'll excuse me I'm going to have a nice, warm cup of coffee, enjoy yourself," _Tseng hung up, leaving Reno completely speechless and staring at the phone in shock.

"That piece of shit," he muttered before going to hunt down an inn.

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An: well I hope you people enjoyed and if you would, please review.


	9. Mysteries Revealed –cough FILLER

**Chapter 9**

**Mysteries Revealed –cough- FILLER**

Disclaimer: I believe that I've just ran out of disclaimers to say…just see my previous chapters…please?

AN: hello reader people, I'm back and still alive!! At least I think I am…-pinches arm-…yup still alive, well anywho here's another chapter of Damn Safety for your liking, hope you enjoy.

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Another fine day in the prestigious Shinra building, on floor forty two, the infamous Turk floor, the call of 'RENO!!' sounded throughout the building. Every employee by this stage was used to this, along with the numerous fires, out of order toilets, sharp projectiles and flying CD's and DVD's…don't look at me like that, CD's and DVD's in the hands of homicidal children with a very short attention span and a tendency to get bored easily (AKA the Turks, well except Rude and Tseng _sometimes_) …so it became normal practice for employees to duck for no apparent reason and dive under desks when any significant loud noise sounded. That sounded about right.

The reason for said strange behaviour was in their childhoods so I will just be summarising what the hell just went wrong. Reno- no real childhood and had to grow up too fast, as soon as he got the Turk's pay, he followed gravity and went straight back down to childhood. Thus his love of pranks and hate of paperwork. Elena- well she had a very disturbing childhood for she had to go to one of those upper plate prep schools, _prep school?!_ What in the name of holy were her parents on to think that prep school could change the tomboy that was their daughter who wanted nothing more that get up and open her own dojo. Well the world's a strange place…no wonder she's so screwed in the head. Tseng- yes Tseng had a screwed up childhood as well, well it's hard to believe but he was worse that Reno when he was younger, a little hellion, one of the main reasons why he was chucked out, the first thing he did was go to the bank, clear out his dad's savings and leave him with only 100gil left in the account. With that money he went to Midgar, joined the Turks (gave Vincent hell, then wised up after death threats) and here he is today. Rude- he was brought up in Kalm, a nice quiet peaceful childhood, that all went out the window when he met Reno but that's besides the point. So there you go.

This leads me back to my original point, when Turks get bored, they want amusement, usually in the form of one of their co-workers in pain, not dying but the kind of pain like sending them flying down stairs and into their crush or the like and if said co-worker is capable of retaliating (eg: say Turk or SOLDIER 1st Class) then you would be completely screwed. To them revenge is a kind of amusement so…I think you get the gist…I think I just explained what was going in my head and don't worry in a couple of days the next chapter will go up…cheers!


	10. Painful Retribution

**Chapter Ten**

**Painful Retribution**

Disclaimer: one question for my very nice and loyal readers (flattery does get ya everywhere) would I or any one of you randomers for that matter be sitting and writing fanfiction if we actually owned the licence?

AN: well here ya go people the next instalment of Damn Safety, Enjoy!

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Elena was twitching, her left eye and right fist to be exact, for she was facing one of the very banes of her existence, who I would have to say was looking very smug, which dissolved into snickering…then laughing…then full blown hyper ventilation hilarity rolling on the floor. Elena, for lack of better words, was not a happy bunny, no she was ready to rip said bunny's head off and ram it down the red-head's throat.

Probably for good reason, her hair was some ungodly shade of green, and I'm not talking about the nice green on the t-shirt or top that you would wear out to dinner or something, I'm on about the kind of hi-lighter green that glows, _yes glows._ You would think that things wouldn't or couldn't get any worse, well it rained that morning and her umbrella got blown away, leaving her looking like a green and black drowned cat as she entered the coffee lounge on the Turk floor, from there, well you could definatly say that her suspicions had almost immediately been confirmed as soon as she walked through the door.

For a few seconds she stood at the door, wishing and hoping that the floor would open up and swallow the red-head into the fiery depths of hell and guess again…things got worse, it _really _wasn't her day. It was then that Tseng, Rude _and_ Rufus decided to stroll in, it was fair to say that she was scundered, being both stared at and laughed at but that quickly morphed into righteous fury, she turned and stormed toward the door causing Reno to stand up.

"Awww c'mon 'Lena , I was only jokin' with ya," he panted between laughs, she froze and spun around, she was smirking, that was bad. She patted her pockets and pulled out a materia orb, effectively stopping the laughter in the room.

"Mini," she spoke, just loud enough for the other people in the room to hear, Reno went pale and attempted to do a runner…a sharp whimper of pain later he was clutching his…what's the word I'm after here…assets, that'll do, so he crumpled to the floor, Rufus turned a faint ting of green, Tseng visibly winced and took an involuntary step backwards, and Rude, well he just acted like Rude should (hey that rhymes), calm and stoic on the outside…on the inside, well lets just say that the reasonable voice in his head was telling him to bolt for it but his image was telling him to stay calm, a short scuffle ensued, image won and reason was tied up. And left to rot.

Silence reigned, it was almost deafening to the men in the room, yet not one of them dared to ask the golden question…well as one of them didn't have reason on his side that left him.

"Elena…" Rude paused, thinking of a way to word this without, well y'know…gah I give up I'm sure you people have good imaginations, "…what did you cast mini on?"

Elena smirked, it was scary…she turned to face her fellow Turks, and Vice President and grinned, you could've swore Reno had possessed the poor girl, well before she answered that is.

"His boxers, and trust me _next_ time I won't be as nice," she gave a sadistic glare that Tseng could be proud of and stalked out of the room, next on the list…get to office and kill anyone who gets in way.

They waited until she left the coffee lounge until breathing a loud sigh of relief, looking down at Reno before looking at each other.

"That was _harsh_," Rufus said quietly.

"I agree but he _did _kinda deserve it," Tseng replied.

"-," Rude added.

"That's a great idea, drinks it is, c'mon." Rufus said cracking his knuckles.

So the three of them upped and left Reno, in pain on the ground.


	11. Noises: The Conclusion

**Chapter Eleven**

**Noises: The Conclusion**

Disclaimer: look if I did own square, you people would be the first to know, I would gloat and gloat well at the…not really like because there's no chance in hell it's ever going to happen.

AN: please review, and I don't mean flames, just nice reviews that make me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside

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It was Elena's turn for the elusive bodyguard duty, she was especially early after the information that Rude had disclosed not only a week ago. She still was scarred but somewhere along the line that had simply morphed into a twisted fangirlish glee which even the authoress will not go into, fangirls are scary people, lets just leave it at that. Tseng even decided to come for he had to get some paperwork signed, coincidences are great thing, wouldn't you agree.

Both of them travelled up in the lift to Rufus' office, both quiet, lost in their own thoughts I suppose…I think at least. And both as swiftly knocked out of their reverie by the 'ding' of the lift as it arrived on their stop and their path to free drinks this weekend. Yes it was looking almost too good to be true when the rounded the final corner. Where they happened to meet a less-than-happy looking Rude leaning against the door frame of Rufus' office.

"I honestly thought you had enough decency _not _to team up two on one Tseng," he simply stated in their general direction, still intently listening to the door beside him. He was very wary, he didn't want to lose his money any time in the near future, especially to a pair of conniving, scheming co-workers.

"Why, don't you trust us?" Elena asked with _the look_, this is able to make anyone fall back, it simply sent you on a serious guilt trip, I dub thee _puppy dog eyes_. Elena is quite the expert at these however isn't as adept as the red-head not 10 feet away from them.

"Not with my money I don't," he bit back quietly still eavesdropping.

Elena and Tseng both sighed and took several steps until they were level with Rude, realising that they could here virtually everything in the room, well Tseng had already found that out the hard way, so all of them made the unconscious decision of staying there and scare off anyone wanting to go into the office, yes, for the good of Shinra they decided.

"_Yo boss man, c'mon I really need that advance, anyway you owe me for how many now?" Reno's voice was heard from the office._

"_No Reno we've been through this I don't haw many times you aren't getting paid for this," came Rufus' tart reply._

Tseng, Elena and Rude stiffened at this, still listening intently, the only difference was that their ears were pressed against the doors now. Some cleaners walked past, not even batting an eyelid at this strange sight, the Turks were just known for doing weird things like that so it was easier just to accept it. So when the Turks in question were trying to digest this information, it went on.

"_C'mon I do this for ya how many times a week and I don't get paid, I men I could easily take my talents elsewhere and at least get paid for it," Reno chipped back at his boss._

Tseng went green (_again)_, Elena red and Rude, he just looked traumatised, like in advent children when bahamut sin shows up, like that.

"_No chance, it was you that volunteered for this Reno," Rufus replied._

"_Damn cheapskate, find someone else…well see ya my shift's over," footsteps were heard coming to the door._

Tseng, Elena and Rude tried to scramble as far away from the door as possible, ending up however tripping up over each other and landing in a heap in front of Reno.

"Damn, I never thought you lot were so eager to work," Reno paused for a second, "what's with the looks?"

The looks in question were a mix between pure confusion, embarrassment and that guilty look you get when you've just walked in on something. So naturally Reno was confused because they looked completely scundered.

"Uhmmm, well about that…me and the rest of us kind of overheard…a conversation between you and our boss and…" Tseng trailed off.

Reno just smirked, then gained that expression where it looked as if you were going to burst a lung to hold in laughter. He'd figured it out rather quickly and obviously found it hilarious at the others' expense.

"What's all this about anyway?" asked the oblivious Rufus and Reno took the courtesy of answering, sick minded sod.

"I think they thought…I can't even say it," he said passing into a fit of giggles. It was then that Rude realised it.

"You two, pay up, I win," he said triumphantly, well as triumphantly as one could when they had two people dog-piled on top of him.

"You bet on it?" Reno asked in shock.

"Don't worry I'll treat you to drinks this weekend, no these two will actually," Rude said which seemed to cheer the red-head up immensely. Elena and Tseng groaned, that was their pay cheques for the next two weeks used up.

"Will someone please tell me what the hell is going on!?" Rufus demanded getting ready to pull out his shot gun.

They did, he passed out with shock and as an apology they had to pull double shifts for the next week, except for Reno, who instead had to continue his chiropracting without his extra pay. The bliss of being a vice-president.

AN: well that's it for this mini story arc thing, and if you really want to, please review, go on it'll make us both feel warm and fuzzy inside…oh wait that could be your stomach eating itself…well anyway go on you know you want to review.


	12. Murphy's Laws

**Chapter Twelve**

**Murphy's Laws**

AN: sorry for the delay, coursework, too much coursework, dying. Well anyway on with the show, here's the next instalment of damn safety, enjoy!!

Disclaimer: I don't own ff7, I only own my imaginary creative writers licence and my pen, cant forget about my pen.

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As Rude gazed over at the mountain of paperwork on the desk next to his, he wondered how the hell he was going to get Reno to do his extremely overdue paperwork for once. Would it take money, alcohol, cigarettes, a trip to the gold saucer? No, nothing is ever that easy.

**Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks **

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About two months later Rude was still staring at the virtual Everest of paperwork. Tseng was even beginning to lose his temper over the very long overdue paperwork. Hell, even the president's fangirlish secretary who fawned over the redhead was getting peeved, she was the one who had to file it in the end. With Reno she learned, everything took waaaaay longer than expected.

**Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think**

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Tseng was near tears as he realised that the Shinra helicopter he was in was running out of fuel, fast. That would leave him, Rufus, Reno and Elean in the middle of the desert until a rescue team got up off their asses to find them…great fun.

**Murphy's Third Law: In any field of endeavour, anything that can go wrong will go wrong **

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"Okay, there are a few flaws in the plan and a few things may go wrong bit don't, I repeat don't let that bomb go off!!!!" Tseng ground out the new soldier rookies he was assigned to train. Within ten seconds of him saying that, before they even got out of the room a large explosion rattled the building, shaking dust from the walls and ceiling, the rookies heard a loud thud and they saw one of the most feared men in Shinra banging his head off the table.

**Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility that several things can go wrong, then the one that will cause the greatest damage will be the one to go wrong **

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As Elena paced the huge conference hall, she chanted a mantra. _"I've checked, re-checked and got the security team to check again, nothing will go wrong 'Lena." _It was Rufus' niece's birthday and as he was the only female member of the Turks, she was presented with the arduous task of organizing an eleven year-old's party. Now all that was left was to get the food from the caterers to the hall with no hiccups. Her cell phone rang to confirm it, everything was going fine, thanks to her genius planning skills, that thought remained in her heads for a grand total of 3 seconds then everything went dark, a power cut.

**Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything absolutely can NOT go wrong, it will anyway**

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Reno is naturally cold rife, so if he gets cold he wants to warm up, simple. Now there aren't any radiators in the office and when he's too cold he cant work (if he ever works) so being a genius that he is and all, he grabbed a few pages of blank paper and cast fire on them. It was nice for all of two seconds then he noticed, how could he not have noticed, the thousand odd pages of paperwork on his desk, if he could get rid of it he could kill two birds with one stone, he wouldn't have to do it and he would be warm. So he cast fire again a got himself a nice little bonfire going, until at least the sprinkler system went off and drenched him, making the cold rife redhead cold again.

**Murphy's Sixth Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse**

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"Okay, the power is back on 'Lena, everything is okay, okay calmed down, now cake, where the hell is the cake?" she half-muttered to herself earning her some strange looks form the catering staff present. "OI that bowl is supposed to go over there you idiot, didn't you read the plan?!" she yelled at some poor sod who was about o set down a punch bowl ay the wrong table. She wheeled around and finally saw the _'piece de resistance'_ being brought in, the cake. It looked perfect; well as perfect as that little snot nosed brat had described it. She took some time to stand back and admire her handiwork, it had taken two weeks of hellish planning but now everything is going perfectly. As her eyes swept across the cake one more it burst open, sending icing and bits of cake everywhere. Out jumped two playboy bunny girls yelling "SURPRISE!!!". Elena stood there stupefied.

"I ordered…the…wrong…cake?"

**Murphy's Seventh Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something**

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"Whaddya mean there's no rescue team…hurricane my ass, I don't give a shit who it is, what rank they are, just get me a damn rescue team NOW!!...No I can't wait any longer, I am about to slaughter my two subordinates…I'm sorry that you don't see my way," Tseng hissed down the phone sending chills up the other three's spines. "Sorry about that, our new chopper will be delayed to weather problems, now I want you to please be quiet, I have a migraine and I'm out of aspirin. The silence was very, very tense.

**Murphy's Eighth Law: Mother Nature has a sense of humour and always sides with the problem**

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A research and development techie was up in the Turk offices giving his monthly rounds of new equipment to them, when he gave out the laptops he was explaining proudly about their 'completely foolproof firewall' that would 'send any hacker running away crying like a baby.' Well soon later Rude hooked his laptop to the Turk system and within seconds an icon popped up on screen. "_Foolproof huh, didn't send me to cry like a baby_."

Rude glanced over to the other side of the room where Reno sat with a Cheshire cat grin plastered on his face, within a minute the research and development techie got an email about the laptops. It read: _Yes, the system is a massive upgrade from the previous one however the information you said about the firewall is incorrect, it may be foolproof yes but the day that you can make it Reno proof will the day that you will get a reward._

**Murphy's Ninth Law: It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so very ingenious**

AN: hoped you enjoyed it and if you can please review and you will receive a cookie courtesy of fanfiction . net


	13. How to get into the Turks in six steps

**Chapter thirteen**

**How to get into the Turks in six steps**

**AN: **hello my ever loyal reader people, how are you lot today? Well enjoy and if you would please R & R…please?

**Disclaimer: **me no own!

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Step 1: for some weird and creepy reason you end up in the city of Midgar to be exact, preferably in the slums

Step 2: master some obscure weapon during your stay, getting an attitude, strange quirks and a cool look wouldn't hurt either

Step 3: piss some higher-ups in Shinra off, enough to warrant an assassin to knock you off

Step 4: knock off the assassins and go to the hiding Turk around the corner and threaten to castrate him with a blunt spork

Step 5: Impress him with your colourful variety of threats and insults about Shinra and tell him the very gory description of what'll happen to the next idiot who tries to kill you

Step 6: There is no real step 6 because either you'll be accepted into the Turks or shot because you were annoying…simple.

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AN: yes I know it's short but it was an idea that hit me today, please R & R if you would


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